This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! It's the TV Letdowns of the Past Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a selection of shows stand out not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to bafflingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Burdened with dreadful scripts, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series struggled to justify its existence. For a moment, as the final series began, it looked like it had at last found its groove. Then came an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner declared this would be the last series. It ended on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was simply too on-the-nose. Yet, viewers certainly found joy picking apart every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was almost the smallest of this show's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the problems. The laughably leaden writing? The mind-numbing veneration of wealth and materialism? The seemingly wilful procession of tropes? Performances so bad they felt almost malicious? Let’s just say “each and every one” and forget about this series again. Except, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the restraining orders, abuse allegations and parental shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while failing to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this series might induce should be saved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we knew it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure admiration for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady characters convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
Actually, that is harsh on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many look a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to accommodate baffling accents. But there were plenty of other issues. Mainly that it was just really boring; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various cockney rogues which felt rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the degree to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various ventures into quaint lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are compelled to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue animated; a poster for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are clearly fascinating things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series chose not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was like consuming a sales catalogue. She obviously has every right to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too confusing to explain what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up smelling of a programme that was trying way too hard to emulate something far greater than it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that captured a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the smart recruitment of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke milked to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known irate mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be handled with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lumbering from oddly jaunty, somewhat stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We love the star … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about government agencies targeting – and eliminating – intellectuals frankly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality notorious for explicit escapades as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was way more interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a young daughter too.